Present State of Life

Mood: Happy

I have Richard Stoltzman’s ‘Maid With Flaxen Hair’ on heavy rotation. I don’t know much about the guy, I found his music in Dexter’s sample music while looking for something soothing to match up with this beautiful Sunday. Lately I’ve been having a complicated relationship with music, I can’t seem to find music that calms me or makes me lose track of time while doing mundane chores around the house.

But this one is nice instrumental music, great for a reflective afternoon in the country side; it rustles memories of me sitting in my grandmother’s wicker chair at the side of the house, swatting flies, fanning myself while listening to the words being thrown around during conversations between my cousins while drinking in the beauty of nature.

But I’m here, in the house; with Cookies&Cream and 24 episodes of Criminal Minds. I’m taking a break from all the blood shedding and behavioral assessment to write about the current state of life.

# I have noticed with great sadness that they have reduced the amount of chocolate chips in Cookies and Cream hence changing my Sunday afternoon ice cream experience. You kind of notice such things when you are enjoying a relaxed, slow Sunday evening with no thought of checklists to tick through. Now I’m having second thoughts about bending over the ice cream ‘thingy’ at the supermarket just to dig out for that particular flavor.

# I’m having some sort of hair emergency. In my attempt to embrace change I did something to it and by the time I walked out of the salon, I wanted to cut it all off. Right now I feel like I have no control over my hair, it’s everywhere. My sister thinks I have control issues; hair control issues. L

# My mother called to remind me to cook because she doesn’t want me starving her future grandkids. I told her I have been cooking and my gaining a few kilos was proof. She said to send her photographic proof via email.

I think my mother knows when I’m lying, but this time I’m not, I have been cooking. I’m taking this kitchen business seriously, no more burning water J. And while I’m talking about food; my sister got me hooked on fish balls but I haven’t seen or heard from the fish lady in two weeks. L 

# The bills keep on coming! What did I expect? Last time I remember I was on cod liver oil and multi-vitamins, time really goes so fast. When I grow up, I want to be a child again J

# I went to my book stand yesterday, I didn’t find any book to buy or exchange so I went to the Love Shack; a really lovely shop I visit on the weekends. It has these little nice antique stuff, but I didn’t find any book there. They told me to check next weekend. I NEED MY BOOK FIX.

# Yesterday I found a hand band someone gave me 7 years ago, I’ve forgotten who. It reads ‘God keeps His Promises.’ I have been going through this phase called ‘in-between’; in between making big adult decisions, in between deciding if I want to go back to school; film school or psychology or will it be back to the cooperate world. So last week while I was busy worrying, God went ahead of me and made the decision easier. Time and again God has proven that He is faithful, that it doesn’t matter the circumstance is, He will always come through for me. Forgive me Lord for my unbelief.  

#A couple of weeks ago I woke up with questions; about life and this constant desire for 'more' and when we get the ‘more’ it’s not enough, we want to get more. I started reading Ecclesiastes; a book King Solomon wrote about his life’s experience and his search for life’s true meaning. Solomon truly amazes me. He had it all and I mean all; the women (700 wives 300 concubines), wealth and power. He searched for satisfaction in these things and at the end concluded that ‘having all these things without God is futile’. Without God,satisfaction is a lost search.
Countless times in the past, I have searched for meaning,for this 'something' ; that missing piece of the puzzle, that I couldn’t put a finger on yet that missing piece was and is God. My search is over.

Anyway, I wrote this post on Sunday afternoon, I was expecting to post it in the morning but I missed the whistle of the train that passes nearby and on many mornings acting like my alarm clock, hence I had to do 10 other little things and now its Monday night and I want to post this so i can do 10 more little things, think about what i'll eat for dinner or fall sleep thinking about what i'll eat for dinner. I feel like things have been too ‘loud’ of late. The other day I found myself watching the television on mute; this is the second time I’m unconsciously doing this and it’s worrying. There is that voice telling me I need a break. I’m searching for perfect stillness; I need to relax, relate, release and regroup and maybe when I come back, I will be able to write a comprehensive post.