While I Was Away; Of Lessons Learned

                                                   (painting Still I Rise by Kelvin Williams )

I have been away on a long journey. It has been a mixture of experiences, of making mistakes, of overcoming and starting over again. I wasn’t able to write because I was too busy letting life teach me how to live; how to forgive easily and live freely, how to love beyond reason and without fear. Life taught me how to grasp air in my lungs and drink it for safe keeping in case I needed to release; to exhale, which I did.

There were days I felt I was sleep walking through life, surviving and not living, suspended between a rock, a hard place and thorns on my sides. For a long time I was holding on to nothing yet I was still standing; still afloat, allowing myself to bend but not break and in this I learnt that adversity is not actually our enemy; it makes you stronger, it shows you strength you have no idea you possess.

It’s during this time, despite hearing heaven’s silence; I knew God had not left me alone even for a second. Not always familiar with His ways, I later on realized that all along He had been loving me through new and old friends, comforting me through their actions of kindness, reminding me that angels on earth truly exist, they may not own visible white wings but each have their own way of teaching me about patience, hope, love and faith.

When I couldn’t take it anymore, I turned to a friend; a voice of experience.  We sat down that Friday afternoon, in a puddle of thick silence. Though she didn’t say much, she knew where I kept the softness under the hard front I gave. Slowly but with resistance I learnt once in awhile it’s okay to cry. I didn’t have to always put on my poker face, that tears are not really a sign of weakness, that therapy can be those nice shoes at the window display of Shoe World or stuffing my face with cookies and cream but it can also be tears; a warm relief.

After it all, I realized I had changed, my desires had changed. I had to go back to Eden; back to the very basics, to see where I had been, where I had gone wrong and to start from there.

So while I was away, I learnt to write my own happy endings, to believe in the sun even when it’s not shining. I learnt not to postpone happiness to when the money would be enough, or the house bigger and  situations convenient, because there will always be something preventing you from doing what you want, the best thing to do is just go for it, buy that car, start that business. 

At the same time I learnt not to rush life because where I am today is where am supposed to be. I learnt not to compare myself with others because I’m on my own unique journey, different from the next person. I slowly learnt not to ask God to show me the future, because even if He did I would worry about how to get there, so instead, I put my life in His hands because not even my best laid plans can match up to His perfect will for my life.

I learnt that in forgiveness I set myself free, that it doesn’t matter how many times you love and get hurt, what matters is that you loved and that you love until it no longer hurts. I learnt the beauty of being broken, of having my insides empty like an echo, because it helped me appreciate the times I’ve been whole. I have learnt how fleeting and fragile life is and how in a whim everything valued can slip from the hinges in which you hung them so carefully.

Now I hold on tightly to these lessons I have learnt along the way because losing them would be like losing one of my senses.

Currently reading The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd